It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve posted, which is mostly because of school, but I’m planning to get a routine going eventually, so at least there will be some form of normalcy here.
For this post, I figured I’d kind of continue with the theme of my last post, but change it up a bit. If you’ve read that post then you’re aware that this kid has never been in love, but I have managed to have a good amount of crushes and one very, very short relationship during my 22 years of life. Clearly, it’s not anything to brag about, so just know I’m not overly proud of my pathetic little attempt at a “love” life.
I’ve never been good at letting go of things, especially people, so I thought this might be a great way for me to release my thoughts about a few of the guys that have caught my attention over the years, but never got the chance to say out loud to them. I hope you guys won’t mind going through my little cleansing therapy session with me.
I’m going to focus on four guys, each of which had a special place in my heart at one time or another. I never got to have a chance with three of them, and even though I had a chance with the fourth, that chance came and went before I had time to blink.
It may seem silly to do such a thing for guys I never even dated, but my feelings for each one have taken my mind and heart captive, so in my mind it feels right to do so. Especially, since they fully deserved to know about the way they made me feel, but of course I was too young and stupid to tell them. Let’s just say I may or may not have turned into a turtle and went right back into my safe and comfy little shell.
Just so you know, my feelings for each of these guys happened at different times. I just wanted to make that clear before you start thinking I was falling for four guys at once, which I would never, ever do. I mean let’s face it, my life is nothing like an episode of The Bachelorette.
I’m going to put them in the form of letters, so that way it feels more personal and as if I’m actually talking to them. It just seems easier. So, without further ado, welcome to the thoughts I’ve kept hidden from the guy who fell for my best friend, the guy I abandoned my turtle shell for, the guy I turned my back on, and the guy who made me realize my worth.
So, the first guy I’d like to discuss wasn’t my first crush, but he was the first crush I fell super hard for.
I was thirteen when I first fell for you. It was a typical middle school crush, but to me it felt like so much more. Butterflies. Goosebumps. Fluttering heart. You name it, I felt it. There was just something about you that I couldn’t get enough of, and apparently I wasn’t the only one who felt this way. It was absolutely devastating when I found out that everything I felt for you, she did too. It was absolutely heartbreaking when I found out that you felt everything for her, not me. I couldn’t believe it.
I can’t even remember how long you two lasted, but it seemed that you were through before I knew it. I had hope that maybe I could catch your eye. Too bad I was wrong.
At least, I thought I was. It took you almost four years to finally notice me, to finally think I was worthy of your attention and affection. Unfortunately for you I had moved on by that time. And who do you think had caught my eye? Yep. Your best friend. Funny how things come full circle, right? You fell for my best friend, and I “thought” I had fallen for yours. Let’s just say he wasn’t who I thought he was.
Fast forward two years and I found myself pining after you once again. “This is it,” I thought hopefully, “The third time certainly will be the charm.” Once again, I was wrong.
You can imagine my surprise when I discovered the identity of the girl you were pining after, still. After all that time I was still the girl on the sidelines, and she was still the girl at the center of it all. Unfortunately for me this time lasted much longer than last time. Back then I think it was a few weeks, maybe months, at most. This time around it was over a year and a half.
During that time I tried desperately to forget about you with her. I tried to forget about you in general, but I failed miserably. I just couldn’t do it. I kept trying. Trying to talk to you. Trying to be in your life. Trying to show you that it should’ve been me all along. But you didn’t want me. You didn’t try. You didn’t care. And now, now I’ve finally got my hands wrapped tightly around the scissors.
I’m finally cutting the string that has kept me tied to you all these years. You don’t want me. You never did, and I’ve finally realized I can do so much better than you.
So, I guess the only thing left to say is goodbye. Goodbye from the thirteen year old who was too blinded by you to know better. Goodbye from the sixteen year old who stupidly gave her first kiss to your best friend. Goodbye from the eighteen year old who wasn’t brave enough to set the record straight and let you go right then and there. Goodbye.
her ex-best friend
Whew. One down, three to go. At this moment, I’ve realized it may be a lot to do all four in one post, so I’m going to split them in half.
The second guy was my one and only real relationship, and that’s because before him I shied away from the guys who showed any interest in me. Since I had finally come out of my shell and dove headfirst into this relationship, I had the highest hopes for us. I guess I should’ve never left reality for my dream world.
I knew from the moment I met you, you were going to be different from all the others. I had been so scared to allow someone to mean something to me that I pushed everyone away, but not you. I never once thought about pushing you away. However, now that I look back on our short time together, I realize that I should’ve.
The length of our relationship was shorter than Kim Kardashian’s pitiful 72 day marriage. How ridiculous is that?
I thought the world of you. You were intelligent, good-looking, kindhearted, and had a great sense of humor. I couldn’t help but think about you constantly. You were one of my best friends that turned into my first boyfriend. Everything about it was like a dream that I didn’t want to wake up from. Do you want to know one of the first thoughts I had after we became official? I thought about how I was finally going to have a valentine and a date to senior prom. Both of which weren’t happening for another 8-12 months. That’s how far ahead I was thinking. That’s how far ahead I pictured you in my life. And what did I actually get? Less than a month.
Yup. You dumped me in less than a month of dating, and that’s not even the real kicker. You dumped me over the phone while you were out of town for the summer. So, tell me, where did I go wrong? We barely had a few days together before you left, and during that time I didn’t sense that we were heading for a breakup. After you left we had text messages during the day and late night phone calls before we both fell asleep, and still I didn’t sense that we were heading for a breakup. So, once again, where did I go wrong? What did I do to make you realize I wasn’t worthy of a relationship longer than a month?
The good news is you didn’t truly devastate me. I wasn’t heartbroken, but then again I wasn’t okay either. Because, you see, you caused something within me to shift. You were the key to my Pandora’s box. After you, I felt as though I was worthless. I felt that since I couldn’t even manage a temporary long distance relationship for longer than a month, then I would never be capable of managing any kind of relationship. Now, I’ve come to terms with the many reasons I’m scared to be with someone, but I cannot shake the feeling that this is at the center of it all.
You gave me a sense of hope, but ripped it out from under me in the blink of an eye. I don’t know what I did that made you change your mind about me, but I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry because the one lesson I learned from you is to never lose my sense of reality. I guess some things can be too good to be true.
the girl you evicted from her cloud nine
Well, my lovelies, these two will do for now. I’ve gotten a lot out of my system and honestly feel pretty good right now. If you’ve made it this far I would like to say thank you. Thank you for taking a journey through my deepest thoughts. I truly appreciate this platform and the people I’ve come across so far, and I can’t wait to write more for you guys.
To be continued.