My first two letters were to guys who made me question who I was and how I thought about myself. They made me look down on myself, and they made me tear myself apart piece by piece. For so long, I have tried so hard to rise above and choose to love myself instead of hate myself (a long story that can be covered another time), and they didn’t help me do that. Over the past few years, I have had a troubling time when it comes to the rebuilding process, much of which deals with outside forces that have absolutely nothing to do with those two guys (another long story that may or may not be covered another time), but most likely escalated from how they made me feel.
These next two guys fall into the complete opposite category. You see, these next two guys actually aided in my rebuilding process — they made me feel better about myself, and even though they have absolutely no idea they did so, I am grateful they did. They saw something in me that I couldn’t see in myself, worth.
First up is a guy that I let slip through my fingers, which I still regret to this day. He put himself out there and I, like the ridiculous, immature teenager I was, turned my back on him and let him fall face first with no parachute.
There are many things I’ve wanted to say to you, but the first one I’d like to say is I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry for the way I treated you. As someone who has been crushed by the crushes I’ve had, I never saw myself as being on the other side of the situation. I never saw myself as the one being crushed on, and I certainly didn’t see myself as the one crushing someone else. For some reason, I didn’t think that guys actually thought of me like that, so you can imagine how you took me by surprise that night — the night you went out on a very wobbly limb and told me how you felt about me.
To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever actually spoken my feelings to any of the people that I’ve had crushes on. Usually, I just look at them every once and awhile then look away the moment they look in my direction. Silly, I know, but what can I say? I’m terrible at this kind of stuff. But you? You were so brave. I was in awe of you for doing something that I never had the nerve to do.
There are moments where I replay that moment in my head, and I try to imagine how you felt right before. I try and imagine how you suddenly had the plan to tell me.
We were at a friend’s house, and it was late. I was about to leave to go home as were you, but before I could start my car, there you were. And then it happened. You told me. I’m sure you had a certain image in your head when you pictured how I would react, and I apologize for not mirroring that image. For whatever reason I can’t remember what I said to you, but I didn’t do what I should have done. I should have gotten out of the car and told you how I felt. I should have hugged you and never let go. But I didn’t. Instead, I said something dumb, I’m sure, and then I left to go home as if nothing happened.
Oh, what you must have thought of me. After that things weren’t the same. The time after comes to me in phases, but I know one thing for sure — I didn’t treat you the way I should have. I won’t go into specifics, but just know that I’m sorry for all of it.
We were able to hang out afterwards a few times, but I couldn’t help but worry about how you truly felt about me at that time. Did you hate me? Were you just going along because you had to? Because other people told you to?
More time passed and before I knew it you were leaving. You were going to college hours away, and there wasn’t anything I could do. I felt so tiny. I felt as if I couldn’t even measure up to anyone you might meet at school. How could I? I was just a plain, stupid girl you had a crush on in high school that turned you down in the worst way. I was just a plain, stupid girl who realized too late what she had let go of, yet never truly grasped onto.
For the longest time, I had childish hopes that maybe you still felt the same way. Maybe you still saw me in the same light you did on that dark, starry night. But, those hopes evaporated once I found out you had moved on. You found someone else to give your heart to, and unlike me, she took such great care of it. She treated you the way you deserved, the way I should’ve. I don’t know how things are with you two now. I don’t know if they’re good, bad, or ugly. But just know that I want one thing for you, and that is to be happy.
I want you to be happy even if it’s not with me.
I want you to know that I’m sorry.
I want you to know that I’m glad you were in my life even though I wish you had stayed longer.
I want you to know I’m grateful for you because you made me realize I was worthy of love even though I couldn’t realize it myself.
the girl silently wishing upon a star
Okay, I’m not going to lie, guys, but that one is probably the most important out of all four of these letters. Don’t ever lose the moon while counting the stars.
So, this one is going to be a bit shorter than the others. The last guy I’m going to “write” to is somebody that I truly did want, but knew he wasn’t the right one for me. He also helped me see my worth, but unfortunately, that came with a cost. Let’s just say age was a deciding factor.
What can I say? I knew from the beginning that we wouldn’t make it. You see, we were like fire and gasoline — clearly no good for each other. You were too much for me, and I wasn’t enough for you. You saw something in me, which I truly appreciate, especially because I was going through a rough time. However, I was not the girl I used to be. A piece of me was missing and even though you tried to fill it, you couldn’t. I desperately wanted you to, but you were not the missing puzzle piece I was looking for.
Few guys had expressed interest in me, so I apologize for not reacting the way I probably should’ve when you looked at me as if I was the only girl in the room, for not grabbing onto your hand when you held it out for me, and for not ending the night the right way.
You’re older, and for some reason I couldn’t act my age. I was still in the high school state of mind. I glanced at you when you weren’t looking, and when you finally did look, I looked away. I did everything I could to walk past you numerous times to get your attention, but then shied away when I finally caught it. I didn’t know what I was doing, and you did. Maybe that’s what scared me. The lack of experience.
Yup, that was it. You had so much more experience than me in various categories, and that terrified the living daylights out of me. I didn’t know how to live up to your high expectations. So, I did what I always do. I went into my shell and waited for you to give up, which you finally did. You moved on to a girl I knew, and then you moved on to someone I didn’t. I don’t know her name or what she looks like. I don’t know if she has the same music taste as you, which I did. There’s a lot about her that I don’t know, but there’s one thing I do know — she loves you. At least, she should because she’s got a great guy who deserves all the love in the world.
the girl who wasn’t mature enough
And there we go. That’s all four. Once again, if you’ve made it this far, thank you from the bottom of my heart. It means the world that there are people who will actually read what I write, even when it’s silly love letters to boys who have no clue they exist.
Till next time, my lovelies.