23. Can’t Let You Go

My head says, Who cares? But then my heart whispers, You do, stupid.

In September of 2017, I wrote a series of letters to four guys, and over nine months later I still cannot seem to let go of one of them. If you have read those letters, you may remember that I let one of those guys slip through my fingers and have regretted it ever since. Well, he is the subject of this post (plus many other things), and he is the reason that quote up top is so relevant right now.

You see, I have not seen or spoken to him for quite some time now, and I thought that I could try and let go of him and the what if situation that concerns him. Unfortunately, I am absolutely terrible at doing so; therefore, I am writing about my anguish, hoping it will help. It probably won’t, but I figure I’m better off trying anyways.

If you have not read the letter and want to, you can find it here. It was the third letter in the series, but it happens to be the first one of that post since I split them in half.

I won’t lie; he’s not the first person I’ve thought about constantly and had trouble letting go of, but he holds the record for being the person I’ve thought about the longest without moving on. No matter what I do, I cannot move past him, and to be honest, it’s slowly killing me from the inside out.

For about six months, I have been writing various things that revolve around him, and I have even posted them to my social media. I’m not sure if this is a good thing to admit or not, but most of the time I post so he can see them. I don’t think he has any idea, but the other day I got a message from a friend, and he knew immediately who I was talking about. So, now I’m not so sure if he does have an idea or not. If he does, he’s certainly not letting me know.

It’s childish, I know, to write about someone instead of talking to them, but I just cannot bring myself to say something. In a way, I think it’s better to let it be than to face it upfront and be rejected or let down. But then again I wonder if I’d be better off being rejected instead of never knowing.

Another reason I’ve avoided talking to him is because sometimes I just can’t face who I am, and I worry that I am nothing compared to other girls he could be with.

Every time I think about saying something, one of these stupid reasons prevents me from crawling out of the hole I’ve dug myself into. I’ve also tried to just move on and let go without saying a single thing, but this never works either. My latest attempt was last night — instead of sharing a sappy post to my Instagram story, I put a simple picture stating, I’m letting you go.

I felt good. I took a deep breath and thought, I can do this. I had high hopes for myself.

Then I woke up this morning. Let’s just say those hopes flew straight out the window.

My head understands that the pain I’ve caused myself by going about this situation the way I have is not healthy, but my heart keeps beating itself up in hopes that something will magically change. But here’s the thing: the only person that can change the outcome is me, and it’s pretty obvious I can’t step up to the plate.

I don’t exactly know how I thought this was going to help, but maybe someone will read this and have some advice. Or maybe they can provide me with a virtual slap in the face. Honestly, I might need one.

Maybe I’ll be able to give myself the slap in the face and find a way around this pain. In the end, I would love to have him in my life again, even as a friend, than nothing at all.

I guess time will tell.

If you’ve made it to the end of this silly venting/ranting post, then I thank you.

Till next time, my lovelies


jules 💋

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