It’s come to my realization that I’m a person of many different moods – which most people are obviously – but I tend to have many within a 24 hour period. I don’t like this about myself and even though I try very hard not to be all over the place emotionally, I always fail epically.
I can go from perfectly content and happy to completely angry and upset at the flip of a switch. Whenever I turn into the latter version of myself, my filter completely disappears. The thoughts that I have locked away always find their way through the gates of my mind, and I hate that I allow them to do so.
Now, when I say this, I don’t mean that I’m completely rude and obscene, but I do allow myself to give my honest opinion about certain things.
For example, this morning I was outside with my mom and nephew, and he wanted us to play baseball with him. Unfortunately, it was one of those days where I started out angry and upset. I wanted nothing to do with playing baseball and I made sure to let that be clear. Complaining was all I managed to do which I’m well aware was the absolute wrong thing to do.
Deep down I knew that I didn’t want to be the debby downer of the day, but sadly I just didn’t care enough to try. It seemed easier to be bitter – it always does.
However, this mood didn’t last very long and soon enough I was on my way to turning my frown upside down.
My intentions are good, I promise – it takes everything in me not to let my filter disappear, but sometimes I can’t help it. There’s a lot of effort put into keeping my true thoughts where they belong, inside my head, and sooner or later the wall that’s holding them in place has to come down.
Lately, I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions, which I have a legitimate reason for, and it’s been taking a lot out of me. I feel as though all I do is put on a show – I’m constantly pretending to be happy, and I can’t stand it. All I want is to be truly happy and not have to second guess whether it’s real or forced.
Pretending sucks. It’s as simple as that. Nobody likes to pretend and in the long run where does it really get you? Nowhere, it gets you nowhere.
What kind of life is it if you always have to pretend as if you’re happy and truly enjoying your time on earth?
I know that someday I’ll get back to who I was – the girl who has a genuine smile as opposed to a forced one.
And I know that there are quite a bit of people who go through this as well, and I want them to know that everything will be okay. Yes, you’ve probably heard that a thousand times, but let this be the thousand and oneth time. Let this be the time where it really means something, the time where it finally sticks in your brain, the time where you believe it to be true.
It’s hard. You get knocked down, and get back up only to get knocked down again – that’s just how life works. But as I said, it’s going to be okay.
All of the forced smiles will become genuine, and all of the bitter moods will turn into sweet ones.
So, here’s a thought for the next time you might be feeling down and out – close your eyes, take a deep breath, and imagine a time or place where you’re the happiest you can be, and allow that moment to absorb you for a few minutes. Let it resonate in your mind and let it minimize your ugly thoughts.
I’m going to try it next time and hope for the best and so should you.